like i care for you. you know i give a fuck about you but i told you i just wanted to be friends with benifits. but i cant help but feel like a piece of shit and get jealous when you talk about other girls and shit. i have no right. absolutely none. but it still kills. and i cant stay away from you long enough to find someone new. you find your way back into my life and heart and i want none of it. i cant deal with this shit anymore. i want to feel wanted, and loved. and you just cant do that for me. you dont love me. and never will. i understand that. but i want someone to make me feel pretty. or treat me like a girl instead of some bitch youre fucking at the moment. and if youre my “friend” you would be telling me i look nice when i look nice, not making snide comments on how im trying to impress somebody. most of the time i do it to make myself feel better but when i do try to impress someone its FOR YOU. you dont deserve my love. you dont deserve my sex. you deserve to rot in your loneliness. forever. you cant do the things i let you do to me. its not right.

i need someone to love me as i love them. to see me for more then a vag and tits. someone i can give my heart to and trust that they wont break it.

i need a miracle.

and its at this lowest low im having right now that i realize just how far away happiness is.

can somebody stop and think about being mature? we are in college for christs sake! if you feel the need to talk about me at least say it to my face because at this point i dont know who is saying what and i just want to know what theyre saying. if youre ballsey enough to talk shit to your friends, talk shit to me. i cant defend myself when you make up shit and have 5 people talking about it. im human. i make mistakes. i dont need them relived. i have feelings that are very extreme. i get it if you dont like me, but dont say things that are unnecisary. my heart is already torn into a hundred different pieces trying to please everyone and love them.

and i love you carmen, i really do. you are one of my absolute best friends. but i know ihave a terrible relationship with matthew. yes, he hurts me. yes, i go back. yes, i know i should leave and never speak to him again. but i like him. and the things he says to me when he isnt mad at me are beautiful and i have not heard them in over a year and a half. its my life. dont get mad when i dont take your advice on how to live it. i know i need the boost he gives me rather then be in this place of constant hatred of myself.

i hate to shit on you after i just sorta did. but carm you dont even realize how much it fucking sucks to be your friend. your so pretty and skinny and tan and funny that everyone either wants you or wants to be you. personally? i dont want either but i would like for you to stop bitching about how this guy or that guy was flirting hardcore or how they ignored you and thats so rude cause youre fucking hot. yes i know you are but you make me feel like trash because when we hang out or ever in general nobody looks at me, or flirts with me. you need to stop acting like a princess and get some humility and try to see how i feel before i start crying.

literally the most sickening thing ever. i always do this to myself. i get with the biggest douchebag of a guy, and sit in my room alone wondering why were not hanging out. like i know the answer. he has something better to do, he doesnt give 2 fucks about me, hes fucking someone else. and to be honest i shouldnt have these feelings for him. i was the one who drew the line of being fuck buddies and nothing else. but the more time i spend with him and the more i get to know him it makes it so fucking hard to not want to at least be able to spend time with him as friends. but i know trying to make that happen is just going to be a wasted effort because im 99% sure he is perfectly fine just being fuck buddies and calling me whenever he wants to fool around. im not uncomfortable around him like i am with everyone else. i just can be naked and not feel weird. although we are so polar opposite, hanging out with him is a tad bit funny cause i nervous giggle and he threatens me. today though he was teaching me how to box before we did stuff and after we did stuff i was just kinda talking to him about anything and everything.

im hurting myself more then i can handle right now. i need to block my heart off of all emotions. fuck you matthew christopher baron. youre hurting me and you dont even know it.

take one before bedtime. it will help you sleep and contol your emotions.

LIES, BLASPHEMY, BULLSHIT.

ive BEEN taking one before bed. and at first it did knock me out and i was so HAPPY and now? im sitting in my room shaking and crying like whiplash of emotions hit me and i cant stand it. and im back to not sleeping well again. all i want to do it be able to fall asleep and STAY ASLEEP. when i finally manage to knock myself out im up in a few hours and cant go back to sleep again. and i was so happy having gotten 2 full nights sleep in a row now that i dont have that i want it back so bad and i cant stop crying and isnt the medicine supposed to stop this crap?

jk im not. me and my mom fought the entire weekend she came to see me and here i was thinking it would be different when in reality it was no different and that our nuclear personalities dont mix. whatever. and then stevens being nice again which is nice but like hey how long will this last? oh and on top of that the councelor wants me to get antianxiety or antidepressant drugs. like. i do not approve of me taking pills. i just dont. and idk. i just want to go home and idk be happy. i want to lay in bed with steven for days and just be. i dont even need to do anything with him as long as hes being nice. he loves me which is all i really ask for and more then i can say for anyone down here. whatever. guess its time to surf cause im not sleeping. like usual

i kind of want to just not be in school anymore. i dont feel like im ready to be doing this shit. i am failing 3 classes and i really try to get the grades up its not working. plus my roommates trying to tell me how to speak. that im not allowed to say nigga. like i grew up being able to say that. so im not going to change my way of speaking WHEN YOU SAY IT TOO BITCH. the color of your skin does NOT mean you can say words i cant or tell me i cant say words. you dont get that right. and its not even like im being offensive. i call fucking white people bitches and sluts and every other name. i use racial slurrs as a way of identidication. like FUCK OFF. and my mom is taking away for 2 days tomorrow. i cant wait. but i have a feeling that i am not going to be okay when she leaves and that it will be a huge set back. like i dont deal with stress very well. i used to just smoke. but now i quit and like. i dont want to hurt myself anymore and im so happy that i am getting to see a couselor tomorrow because i am going to need to talk to her or him and i dont know i just have this feeling that i will end up with either her thinking im crazy and trying to put me on mad drugs or her being like your fine what are you talking about when i know for a fucking fact that i am not okay. like im not trying to get mad drugs or anything but i honestly feel like i need something to help me. i cant get through the day even with cigarettes without getting snappy or bitching someone out. and then you have to factor in the stress of steven. steven steven steven. tests me daily. and the worst part? he enjoys it. he LIKES making me sad and angry and stressed the fuck out. and then he calls me baby and shit like it will make shit better? no. i dont fucking think so bitch. not happening. you dont get to try and soothe my ruffled feathers like that. it pisses me off when im NOT unhappy. dont call me names like that unless you mean it. i hate it and i want nothing to do with people who do it just to make people calm or feel better. like back the fuck off. seriously.

in more ways then one. not just the physical sense. but emotional too. i lost one of the best men in my life despite the shit he put me through because i told him about mal. and then i just dont have anyone to cuddle with and shit. yea im all for alone time and self reflection but i just want to curl up next to someone and watch a movie. not sit in my bed by myself. #patheticstatus

so. i fucked one of my friends last night. malachy maloney. yep. it was so nice and for the first time in a long time i felt like someone actually cared about me and how i was feeling instead of how badly they wanted to get off. and then we cuddled. cuddled! he didnt even let me leave. but then he went out for a cig and i stayed in bed. and he didnt come back for 2 and a half hours. i literally was so hurt by it. i left him a note on his bed, got dressed and left. i havent seen him today but i feel like when i do im going to cry. i want to cry so badly. i liked him before we fucked and then we fucked and he left me. and i dont know what to make of that. it hurts more than anything. im used to 1 night stands. and im used to saying gtfo to the guy or getting up and leaving after without the guy having to tell me to. but i thought that because he wouldnt let me go and we cuddled that he wanted me there. and then he disappears. so i get offended. and hurt. and i leave him a mean note and leave. and i saw his roommate and yea. like i just want to curl up and die. the first guy i let myself actually think is a decent guy and he goes and pulls this shit. my sense of reality is now skewed and my heart is breaking. i dont know what to do and if i see him i dont know if i should be mean or angry or sad. i just want to curl up and go to sleep or jog or go play in traffic. whatever takes my mind of my aching chest. never again will i let myself feel anything for anyone.

yea im a little bitch. they died 2 years ago and i cant get the fuck over it. what the fuck do you want from me?

i need a fucking cig right the fuck now

im not loving myself as much as i should and i know thats bad but whatever. i dont need the lovin. i just need someone to love or to love me. more or less i just need someone to hold me at night when i get sad or lonely or just want to be held. but im not going to look for anyone like always because thats the stupid thing to do. i could ask one of my friends but honestly? they treat me kinda bad. theyre the ones who make me want to cry sometimes. so id rather not keep that within the circle. i need to find my own friend who i can openly cuddle with and be myself with. and this is why at times like these i miss my michael. my old fuck buddy. i could be me around him and we could cuddle and i could cry to him and he was just generally awesome. id never date him but he was too good to me. better then i deserved. the name of my blog is something very close to my heart, pulvis et umbra sumus. “we are but dust and shadows” thats exactly how i feel right now. i feel like im dust in the wind that nobody sees or cares about and that if in the shadows of peoples minds, nowhere near the forefront. i just want someone to give a fuck about me. is that too much to fucking ask for? apparently so.

and the downward spiral begins….